A Cocoon

I woke up with a pain on my right neck, had a quick bath since i am almost late but when i went to my room i decided to drink my antidepressant medicine that was prescribed by my psychia and chose to stay at home and prepare my 2 power point presentation for my report :|.

This month is very tough for me. I went to my psychiatrist last week for my sleeping problems and asked for a mild sleeping pills (Stilnox made me hallucinate) but the pill didn't worked. Dealing with this anxiety sh!ty thing gives me too much problem. In School, My Work and My Life! I sometimes cry for stupid reason and worry on other people's problem that's beyond my conscience. In school, I might be looking at my professor but my mind is flying somewhere same as when i am working. Instead of picking up my shattered self confidence and starting to work on my goals. My life is on hiatus! Seems like this butterfly turned into a cocoon again and becoming a full grown butterfly will stay as a dream forever.

I'm still thankful to Mami keym and my dogs. Sometimes I think of going back to my old hobby. Why not click the word me ME in the upper section right there (<---------) eh?! My books are just waiting for me to open them since i haven't read some of em'. Seriously, I miss my old life before i met online games and internet. Spending the whole day in the house reading books and even writing poems. I'm not a good writer but only I and my very very old friend way back in h.s and recently my boyfie knew that i love to write.( i would write a topic about writing someday) though i am not really good at it.

As much as i wanted to type more words here. Feels like the side effect of the meds is now visible and i might spill something that i am not comfortable with HAHA...

Ja Ne~! (boooo i miss saying that word )

they come and go......

I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.

kawaii!!!

I Finally remove the auto play music in my blog :) and thinking of putting an mp3 playlist. Just spare me some time kk? :D

I woke up from a very loud voice of my dad this morning. DAMN!! i just slept for an hour and when i tried to go back to dream land, i couldn't find my way to SLEEP. I called boyfie just to wake him up since t'was almost 8:00am and his class starts exactly 8:00 unfortunately and i bet this "sleepyhead boyfie of mine" is snoring his a** out that he couldn't hear his phone :D . Since Eurybe (My lappy) is always On till i leave the house, I checked my mail just like any other day(lol) and think of working on my new assignment but just like any other day again! I end up lurking random people's profile on facebook. This time, I lurked on my old friends when i was young, during my elementary days, high school days and my early college days.

I've been thinking about those friends i used to have and those i had to give up and why i did so. But friends will always come and go. Some will choose to stay but others don't. I used to blame myself for my failed relationship (friendship) and let myself believe that i am really not a best friend material. LOL! Having no best friend was never an issue but when i was asked by my professor to describe my best friend (except our family, boyfriend/girlfriend and relatives), I just wrote in my paper "She/he is a human opposite of me" and i also wrote MY BLOG! .:)

I used to have one way back in high school, I can even remember our so called anniversary (july 12) and an emo post i wrote in my journal few yrs ago. lo hecho, hecho está meaning What's done is done and there is no way i can change the past. =) and I am still glad that we still remain friends though we never really talked about the past. What's important is whatever happen I know that she will always be there for me and i will always be there for her. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow over the longest distance and If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so. I read this quote from an old book my mum gave me;

Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.

It may be true but not everyone has a best friend in life. It's not a choice nor a decision and it's not a destiny. I don't know, no one knows. What i need now is a SISTER!!! hahaha but seriously one thing's for sure..... people come and go...

Reality

Recently I’ve found myself bogged down in the real world. All my head space has been taken up by thoughts on money, my education, my job, what my choices are for the future, my relationship, my friendships and all the petty drama that surrounds day-to-day life. It’s all worry, worry, worry, and few of the things I worry about are things I can actually control right now. I don’t know if I’ll make it through my degree and graduate, but If I’ll give all my best I know I can, I don’t know if I can be a good teacher to my future student, or what kind of job I’ll have, and I don’t know if my relationship with my boyfriend will last in the long-term; these are simply wait and see things that I can’t figure out now. I make myself so unhappy thinking and worrying about all these things. My brain seems to take this as a signal to suddenly start shouting every problem I have, expecting a solution where there are none.

I used to be such a dreamer. My favorite pastime was daydreaming. I was constantly told I was too much inside my head; but I liked it there, I was happy. Is it that the older you get, the less you live in your own world and are forced to live in the real one, the less happy you are?I just realize today that i am a REAL DREAMER, that this is what makes me happy, that’s how long its been since I’ve let myself relax and just imagine whatever makes me happy; to see my life positively. Because most of the time I am steeped in the reality, which seems to only be stress and struggle, and quite mundane.

But now I remember it doesn’t have to be like that, I can sit back, close my eyes, and create the life I want to have, experience things out of my reach right now. Even just the thought of going to my own made up life for just a little while has lifted my spirit. Sometimes I guess all you can do is tell yourself that the worries you have can’t be helped right now, and retire to a good daydream, filled with hope and happiness.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

It’s the last day of 2011 & I can’t believe the year went by so quickly. Looking back on this year, I can say this year was filled with massive progress for me. As the year approaches to an end, it is the time of the year where once again, we are inevitably drawn to reflect on the events of previous year.

Like every year, some unfortunate incident happened, I made wrong decisions, I cried, I hurt, argue with my parents, lost my temper, quarrel with my close friends and did so many things that I am not proud of. But, there’s no reason for me to dwell on the negative part of my 2011. I just want to leave them behind and carry the learning’s they taught me as I enter 2012. More than anything, I am grateful for good health and the miracle that is life. There are so many thoughts running around my head. So many things waiting in the New Year. Will I be ready for them? Am a stronger, whole, and anticipating what is yet to come? It is a great comfort to know I am loved. That God has been so generous with his arms wide open so I can burrow in them in laughter and in tears. Every triumph, no matter how big or small and even when so many questions are still begging for answers, I know there is a reason for everything.

As I enter 2012, I know it will be full of challenges and trials, I guess my work will be more demanding and stressful along with school schedule that made my life miserable this year but I am ready to accept and face them all. Who knows what 2012 hold in store for me? For all I know I have HIM in me. I just always need to be strong and will say: “I’M READY!”

May God continue to bless you and your family with divine light, love and power that will bring much love, joy, peace, inner strength and overflowing abundance in your home. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.