random rant

I am not all the way through the discomfort, yet. I still find myself naturally wanting to hide some parts of myself, in certain situations. I still find myself denying the truth of my own experience in an effort to greater fit in. Though I know this mask is ill-fitting, it is what I am used to wearing and to go out into the world without that mask is to experience life in a different way. A new and strange way. However, I am far enough through the discomfort to recognize that this is, simply, the process of coming out for me. I am far enough through the discomfort to understand that it is not discomfort with my identity, but rather with the sense that I am exposed, and this discomfort will go away as I become more comfortable exposing my reality.And in learning to accept and process the discomfort, I am finding within myself the power to be comfortable with myself. To interact with the world from a place of security. To feel as if the emotional structures I build are no longer houses of cards, but rather castles with strong foundations. To sit, calmly, and know that I am who I am and that is enough.Putting on makeup will not change that. Binding will not change that. Both of those are tools I can use to make myself look however I want to look on a given day, but they are not things that are necessary in order for me to feel that I present honestly, anymore. Because I am learning to love who I am inside and, in large part, disregard what I look like on the outside. My body is merely a shell, a home to decorate as I see fit, for the presence that is uniquely me.I’m still growing.

I’m still learning. I’m still stripping away layers of crap that has been dumped on me, and layers of defenses I’ve built haphazardly in my quest for self-protection. I still need to hear that the people I care about are proud of me. That they’re behind me. That they believe in me. I still need direction, sometimes, and a sounding board. For all that I’ve grown, I’m still only twenty two years old, and that is not really very old. I’m still unsure of a lot. And that’s okay.